1. |
Get In The Car
00:43
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2. |
Outlaw Country Intro
00:16
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3. |
Opinions
03:28
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Opinions are like assholes
Everyone's got 'em
Except some smell worse than others
And mine smell like roses
So take a good whiff
I think your baby's ugly
And I'll be happy to tell you smugly
That stay at home dads are a bunch of fags
You don't have to tell us
I already know feminists are just jealous
Cuz men don't have to bleed on a rag
My small penis is especially large
And I don't think that I should be charged
When my wife hit my fist with her face
Consensual sex is for sticklers
And everyone I don't like is literally Hitler
If we don't agree on who's the master race
I got stupid fucking opinions
And they're 10 times better than yours
My mother's a saint
My daughter's a virgin
But every other woman is just a whore
I got stupid fucking opinions
And we can agree to disagree
But I know you'd be better off
If you'd just agree with me
I don't mean it loosely
When I say seat belts are for pussies
Cops should know by now I drive better when I'm drunk
I believe that stop signs
Are more or less just guidelines
And passengers are safer in the trunk
Every woman needs a man
With a firm back hand
Especially if their mouth's got some sass
Faggot, get off of my rear
No, I ain't no queer
As long as I'm the one who fucks you in the ass
I got stupid fucking opinions
And they're 10 times better than yours
My mother's a saint
My daughter's a virgin
But every other woman is just a whore
I got stupid fucking opinions
And we can agree to disagree
But I know you'd be better off
If you'd just agree with me
I've been thinking
(You) can't be hung over if you're always drinking
Shit, I'm so smart I oughta be on Jeopardy
I think you're retarded
I mean, "special"
For not thanking me when I farted
'Cuz my kind of gas powers wind energy
I look sharp in socks and sandals
Brad Pitt can't hold a candle
Why, I still have most of my teeth
Fanny packs look sporty
Beer bellies look good at forty
And it ain't a salad without the beef
My 2 cents' worth a million bucks
And I give exactly zero fucks
If your opinion costs a dozen on the dime
I think free speech is great
Until I hear YOUR brand of hate
I'd throw you in prison, say “shut up and do your time”
You're not healthy, you're just fatter
And only certain lives matter
Especially if they're a shade on the lighter side
What? I ain't a bigot
I'm friends with lots of midgets
When you stack 'em all up, they make one person of average size
Why won't people understand me like the way I do?
Too bad I got
stupid fucking opinions
And they're 10 times better than yours
My mother's a saint
My daughter's a virgin
But every other woman is just a whore
I got stupid fucking opinions
And we can agree to disagree
But I know you'd be better off
If you'd just agree with me
Just agree with me
I said just agree with me
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4. |
Outlaw Country Intro II
00:07
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5. |
Hail Satan
04:08
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My truck's painted in goat blood with an American flag
I'm a patriot with a pentagram but I don't mean to brag
I sold my soul for a decent truck and a woman who looks mighty nice
You say that ain't much of a deal but I offered a competitive price
These ol' blue jeans could use a splash of red
These cowboy boots wanna kick in some heads
I'm fueled with black tar whiskey, ready to dance in this ballroom brawl
I got my buddy with horns ready to kill them all
They ask, "what's the big deal?"
And I tell 'em
Hail Satan because
I can't be waiting on the Lord
Besides, Heaven is something I just can't afford
You know Jesus Christ wasn't all that nice
That's why I raise goats to sacrifice for Satan
My bat winged buddy's always lookin' to brawl
He seeks and he searches
We get a little buzzed on virgin blood and burn down a couple churches
We blow off some steam in a good blood orgy until we're good and tired
If I feel a little cold, he warms me up with a cozy forest fire
We sin on Saturdays
Play Black Sabbath on Sundays
I'm half dead and half immortal so I call in sick on Mondays
Now things start to go down at the unholy hoedown
I dance a perfect square at this satanic showdown
They say, "Hey, that ain't fair"
I tell 'em, "well, I guess you better..."
Hail Satan because
You can't be waiting on the Lord
Besides, Heaven is something you just can't afford
You know Jesus Christ wasn't all that nice
That's why I raise goats to sacrifice for
Sweet, sweet Satan
He don't judge you for hatin' your enemies
He don't look down on murder or jealousy
Being raised to Heaven may sound swell
But what's the point if you can't raise some hell with Satan?
Satan understands me like nobody else can
He promised me hellfire will give me a pretty decent tan
A love so deep and pure
It's stronger than fresh manure
I don't need a god who thinks I'm a sickness that needs to be cured
I was destined to be damned and Satan loves me the way I am
That's why I say
Hail Satan because
I can't be waiting on the Lord
Besides, Heaven is something I just can't afford
You know Jesus Christ wasn't all that nice
That's why I raise goats to sacrifice for
Sweet, sweet Satan
He don't judge me for hatin' my enemies
He don't look down on murder or jealousy
Being raised to Heaven may sound swell
But what's the point if you can't raise some hell with Satan?
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6. |
Outlaw Country Intro III
00:07
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7. |
Domesticated Man
05:22
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I was born to a single mother
2 sisters, no brothers
From what I heard, our father wasn't much a man
They say he drowned in the bottom of a tall can
I couldn't play with the other boys
Momma said they smelled and made too much noise
That they play too rough and they're messy too
She said, "other boys are not sensitive like you"
"So be nice
Be sweet
Wash your hands before you eat
Talk with care and don't resort to stealing
Boys have a funny way of hurting girls' feelings
Keep your hair clean and neat
And don't tinkle on the toilet seat
Your puny pointer's been a problem for too long
Your testes have tested your poor old mom"
I was raised to be
A domesticated man
With a white collar tan
I try to watch my weight
I can't stay up too late
I'm a domesticated man
My wife made me quit the band
I drink light beer on Sundays
Think about suicide on Mondays
Frustrated, unappreciated
But only halfway castrated
Yes, I'm a domesticated man
I was a late bloomer of a birdy
I left the nest well after 30
Momma said, "you won't meet a woman half as good as me
But worship her and you'll live happily"
I met a woman who's mostly great
We got married after our 3rd date
She says I should be honored to be chosen
Come to think of it, I don't remember proposing
I took her last name, now I'm Mr. Muller
We bought our house in her favorite color
We got wall art that says "Live, Laugh, & Love"
I can't touch the punching bag without the gloves
I got a treadmill of a hamster wheel
And I can't be late to my 3 square meals
She thinks kissing in public is perverted and perverse
I walk around the grocery store holding her purse
Yes, I was raised to be
A domesticated man
With a white collar tan
I try to watch my weight
I can't stay up too late
I'm a domesticated man
My wife made me quit the band
I drink light beer on Sundays
Think about suicide on Mondays
Frustrated, unappreciated
But only halfway castrated
Yes, I'm a domesticated man
I do what I'm told to do
Carry my kid like a momma kangaroo
I don't watch sports because she thinks it's too aggressive
I ask, “pass the salt”
She says, "stop being possessive"
We use electric, not propane
I'm running out of Rogaine
I know nothing 'bout cars
My feet never felt the sand
I just realized I don't have callouses on my hands
I never worked up a stench
Never heard of an Allen wrench
I think it's high time that I own my place
I could start by not shaving my face
I could watch dirty movies when she's not here
Maybe drink more than just one beer
I could wear shirts with badass skull designs
Maybe she'll quit nagging if my tumor's not benign
Oh, who am I kidding?
I was born to do her bidding
I was meant to go against my own proclivity
Raised in floral scented, suburban captivity
Yes, I'm a domesticated man
Oh, Yes, I'm a domesticated man
Oh, Yes, I'm a domesticated man
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8. |
RADIO INTERMISSION
00:47
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9. |
Love Bone Intro
00:17
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10. |
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That smell ain't weed
That's just my cologne
And I'm not talking to my dealer over the phone
Darling, that's my mistress and I'm meeting her for some tea
You found some needles and pills
You say, “start explaining”
I say, “I told you, I'm a doctor in training”
I just got no patience to treat any other patients but me
I'm not jonesing
I'm just itchy
And that's not withdrawals
I'm just a little bitchy
And I'm not high
That's just soap in my eyes
I'm not stoned
I'm just a little lazy
And I'm not strung out
My thoughts are just hazy
And I'm not high
That's just soap in my eyes
I'm not blowing smoke
I swear that's not blow
Maybe I love baking or that's dandruff from my nose
Good thing I'm a doctor
I'll diagnose it tonight
My wide pupils could be caused by a rare condition
Or just allergies
Either way, I need prescription
Too bad I ran out
I'll make a run for supplies
Mary Jane is just a lady friend
And Snow White just loves little men
And Mr. Brownstone was just my teacher back then
The only grass I know is the kind that I mow
I'm not drunk
I'm just clumsy
And I'm not baked
I'm just a little hungry
And I'm not high
That's just soap in my eyes
I'm not tripping
I'm misunderstood
I'm not wasted
I just don't speak too good
And I'm not high
That's just soap in my eyes
I'm only squinting my eyes
Cuz I love Robert De Niro
And I thought heroin is just a lady hero
And I don't know what you mean by smoking glass
That big brown rock is for my rock collection
And that crystal helps with my meditation
And those mushrooms are for my cooking class
The only grass I know is the kind that I mow
I'm not stoned
I'm just lazy
And I'm not strung out
My thoughts are just hazy
And I'm not high
That's just soap in my eyes
I'm not tripping
I'm misunderstood
I'm not wasted
I just don't speak too good
And I'm not high
That's just soap in my eyes
I said I'm not high
That's just soap in my eyes
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11. |
Love Bone Intro II
00:05
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12. |
||||
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You’re as ugly as your mother
And I did her twice
Last night
You’re dumber than your father
And he can’t tell his left from his right
Your girlfriend fucked everyone in class and she never once let you have the ass
You’re about as hung as a china doll shot glass
You’re a portly, porky piece of swine and you’ve been balding ever since the age of nine
Your sorry life has been less than kind
So, I’m gonna
Kick you when you’re down
And I’m gonna stomp you into the ground
Slash your tires and piss in your face
With nobody else around
I’m gonna kick you when you’re down
And I’m gonna let you sink and drown
Steal candy from your baby
Put salt in your wounds with nobody else around
Jesus doesn’t love you
And God thinks you’re a fag
Oooh
Satan’s got no use for you
You’re about as welcome as a ball of skin tags
Crawl back to the sewer from whence you came
And maybe by then we’ll forget your name
For all the world’s problems, you’re to blame
You’re a sad and sullen sack of shit
If this were a casino, you’d have no chips
In this game of life you should call it quits
I’m gonna
Kick you when you’re down
And I’m gonna stomp you into the ground
Slash your tires and piss in your face
With nobody else around
Motherfucker, gonna
Kick you when you’re down
And I’m gonna let you sink and drown
Fuck you in the ass and take the last slice
With nobody else around
Kick you when you’re down
And I’m gonna stomp you into the ground
Slash your tires and piss in your face
With nobody else around
I'm gonna kick you when you’re down
And I’m gonna stomp you into the ground
Slash your tires and piss in your face
With nobody else around
Motherfucker, gonna
Kick you when you’re down
And I’m gonna let you sink and drown
Fuck you in the ass and take the last slice
With nobody else around
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13. |
Love Bone Intro III
00:07
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14. |
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Well, I wouldn’t say that I’m lonely
Just that I’m feeling a little homely
Candlelit TV dinner for one
More wine for me means a little more fun
The single life doesn’t make me cry cuz
It’s not masturbation, it’s a threesome with me, myself, and I
Oh, yeah. No one to look at me and cringe
No one to judge me when I go off and binge
Nobody else I need to please
No one to stop me from eating expired cheese
I push my guests out the door and say, “bye-bye” cuz
It’s not masturbation, it’s a threesome with me, myself, and I
Solitude
Finger food
A den of only one dude
No wife
No strife
I get to sleep in the nude
You may say I’m not living large
Well, I say I’m the only one in charge
I know puns are something you can’t stand
But I’m taking matters in my own hands
Those tissues are not for when I cry
Cuz it’s not masturbation, it’s a threesome with me, myself, and I
I said it's not masturbation, it's a threesome with me, myself, and I
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15. |
RADIO INTERMISSION II
01:15
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16. |
The Tux Intro
00:18
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17. |
Fantasies Of Infanticide
04:01
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My life flashed before my eyes and I could've sworn
That I died a little bit when my baby was born
He was so ugly
Crying so smugly
It was as if he knew which buttons to push
Spiteful from the moment he burst from the bush
He is so awful
It should be unlawful
Fatherhood is no good reward
I should've made a noose with that umbilical cord
It's been 3 days since I slept
Too tired to cry
But I feel warm and fuzzy when I close my eyes
Cuz, I'm havin'
Fantasies of infanticide
Fantastic dreams where my baby dies
It's all downhill from here
Yeah, you're cryin'
So much that you're turning blue
So let me shake and shake some sense into you
I'm having fantastic fantasies of infanticide
I clench my fists every time he makes a poopy
Try not to smother him with his Teddy or his Snoopy
He's so disgusting
His diapers are crusting
He doesn't pull weight and he eats more than me
Bought diapers when I could've bought a whore or three
He's a parasite
So impolite
I wish I could stuff his face with his bib and his binky
Let him crawl and drink all that stuff underneath the sinky
Oh, my poor head feels like it's in a fog
I could be sleeping like a log
Next time I put him down to sleep
I should put him down like a dog
Hey, don't judge me just because I'm having
Fantasies of infanticide
Fantastic dreams where my baby dies
It's all downhill from here
Yeah, you're cryin'
So much that you're turning blue
So let me shake and shake some sense into you
I'm having fantastic fantasies of infanticide
Some may say it's an unhealthy obsession
That poppa never got over his postpartum depression
I'm hoping for
Choking hazards
Natural disasters
Fatal contortions
Really late term abortions
Left in the freezer
Choking on tweezers
Be deaf and mute
Or at least cute
It's a bad dream
It's a cruel joke
It's a prank pulled on poor folk
If only this bastard of a kid
Had come down with a case of SIDS
Then I won't need
Fantasies of infanticide
Fantastic dreams where my baby dies
It's all downhill from here
Dammit, I hear you cryin'
So much that you're turning blue
So let me shake and shake some sense into you
I'm gonna dump you in Atlanta
Or in Havana
Dreaming of infanticide
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18. |
The Tux Intro II
00:07
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19. |
||||
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My wife took the dog and ran out on me
Well, good riddance
That mutt had nothing but fleas
It ate my good hat and soiled my shoes
Always left a mess on the floor
She did me a favor when she walked right out the door
My wife took the kids and ran out on me
Well, that's one, two, three mouths less to feed
Those no good, snot-nosed ungrateful brats made me wanna cry
So when they trudged out the door, I smiled and waved bye-bye
Who needs a family?
Just somethin' on the rocks is fine by me
I don't need a woman yakkin' in my ear
About some noise that I don't wanna hear
Cuz I'm happy where I am in my own misery
My boss gave me the boot now I got no job
He said, "Go on! Get right outta here, you no good, lazy slob"
You'd think I was in a thicket
When I said, "Hey, you know where you can stick it!"
Now I'm left with empty pockets looking for a bank to rob
Who needs the nine to five
Or a stack of bills and all that jive?
Work my fingers to the bone? No, siree
That's exactly where I don't wanna be
Cuz I'm happy enough in my own misery
I lost my own house
Now I'm sniffing out for crumbs like a mouse
My old troubles are history
Got a new set of problems just for me
I'm homeless and free
Got nowhere to be
I'm happy where I am in my own misery
I'm pretty happy
I guess I'm happy
I hope I'm happy
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20. |
The Tux Intro III
00:08
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21. |
||||
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Oh, my darling
You're the worst I've ever seen
You're the night without a dream
You're coffee with no cream
I'll love you without a smile
Fess up when in denial
And I'll take care of you but only for a little while
I will love you
Begrudgingly, joylessly
While marvelously depressed
I fight back a frown when I see you undress
It's the worst kind of love only the luckiest could have
Oh, my honey
You're anything but sweet
You're a bird that can’t tweet
You're a toilet with no seat
I’ll kiss you once a year
Blame you for my career
Clench my teeth with my back turned
When I say, “yes, dear?”
I will love you
Begrudgingly, joylessly
While marvelously depressed
I lie to God when I tell him I'm blessed
It's the worst kind of love only the luckiest could have
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22. |
RADIO INTERMISSION III
00:13
|
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23. |
Mild Mannered Intro
00:18
|
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24. |
||||
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You say that I’m the worst
And that you wish I wasn’t your first
And my stubble feels like sandpaper
You hate my couch potato frame
And what’s left of my wispy mane
You wish I disappear like vapor
When you tell me to leave, I’m playing fetch
When you’re throwing the dishes, I’m playing catch
You wish I was never born and that’s okay
Just let me hold you right now cuz you’re gonna die someday
You screamed at me ‘til you lost your voice
Now you have no other choice
But to scold me with your big ol’ red eyes
Deep down, I think you really care
When you slap my face and pull my hair
Claw my eyes out and I feel like I’ve won a prize
I’m honored to be the worst thing to happen to you
I’m so happy to be the beaten black and blue
When you tell me to leave, I’m playing fetch
When you’re throwing the dishes, I’m playing catch
You named your tumor after me and that’s okay
Just let me hold you right now cuz you’re gonna die someday
You say I’m why you drink.
If I was milk you’d pour me down the sink
I try to breathe through your manicured grip
The words “I hate you” fall from your sweet, luscious lips
You’re telling me I can’t fix it
Well, if it can’t be fixed, then it isn’t broken at all
When you tell me to leave, I’m playing fetch
When you’re throwing the dishes, I’m playing catch
You have a gun to my face and that’s A-OK
Ha. Missed me
Just let me hold you now
Just let me hold you now
Dammit, just let me hold you now cuz you’re gonna die someday
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25. |
Get Out Of The Car
00:46
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Lou Kelly California
Lou Kelly is a creator of distracting background music from somewhere in California.
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